Born Only Once, Third Edition: The Miracle of Affirmation by Conrad W. Baars

Author:Conrad W. Baars [Baars, Conrad W.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781498288163
Published: 2016-04-07T04:00:00+00:00

Hush Hush I’m pretending now

I’m not your mother who died.

The first time she ever felt loved was when she was 20, although she had been briefly married at 16. But she had left her husband to live with an aunt thinking that “she might make a better daughter than a wife!”

“In spite of her considerable emotional deprivation,” one of her biographers wrote, “she was never a complainer.” She had spunk and determination enough to try to escape from the Orphan’s Home. She set out to get into the movies on her own, and she denied herself many things in “her growing fanaticism about her final success.” When out of movie work at 21, life was bleak. “Unable to relate to others in any real way” her determination and stubborn will made her persist. She became “the engineer as well as the energizer of her career,” in spite of her insecurity, her hypersensitivity, and her mistrust of others.

When Norma Jean became Marilyn Monroe it meant the abandonment of a hand-me-down kind of existence. “Although the lifelong quest for affection could not be shaken, she soon felt completely at home with Marilyn, the half-child, half-woman.”

She was always grateful. Six years or so after Ben Lyon had gotten her first movie contract and had given her a fifteen dollar advance on her salary, she sent him a photograph inscribed: “You found me, named me, and believed in me when no one else did. My love and thanks forever.”

Her beauty and desirability and “her terrible ambition” never could conceal that she was “rather like a little frightened animal, a fawn or a baby chicken,” nor that she was “utterly unsure of herself, unable even to take refuge in her own insignificance.” In her first meeting with the great movie-maker John Huston “she asked if she could sit on the floor.”

The number of her permanent friends “could be counted on the fingers of one hand.” There was a “wistful sense of dependency in her that aroused most older women, as well as men of almost any age.” Like many an unaffirmed woman, she felt most at ease with children and had no difficulty communicating with them. She was acutely conscious of their needs and knew, too, how to be playful with them.

She loved dogs and cats, and “got wildly involved with her cat’s pregnancy, reading up on the subject, watching over her, feeding her extra delicacies. She would interrupt a business session or evening on the town to call her maid and check on kitty.”

Her inability to have a child herself was a cruel disappointment to her. “Despite all, she yearned to be a mother, even if it meant temporarily putting films aside. She desperately wanted fulfillment.”

Marilyn used every talent she had, her beauty, and every ounce of determination, to prove that she was lovable. “She enjoyed the idea of men desiring her; it amused, flattered, and excited her. She needed that proof of being adored; it denied the inner dread of being unwanted. She sensed love as the hidden miracle in the human scheme.

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